2) This is a guest post by my sister.
3) Why on earth does she know so much about mens' bathrooms? I have no idea. It's awkward in and of itself.
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Considering the amount of awkwardness that takes place in my life every day (and it’s a lot…I’m related to your lovely resident blogger…and therefore share her awkward gene…damn chromosomes) I consider my greatest personal achievement being born without a penis. As if my life isn’t awkward enough in the little moments where I actually have to interact with normal people and the rest of society, those with penises have it so much worse. Even such a simple thing as using the bathroom becomes a treacherous descent into the fundamentals of avoiding awkwardness, and getting out alive, unscathed, and untraumatized, is a victory unto itself. Allow me to explain…..
Awkward moments are a product of social standards, morays, and unspoken agreements.....which is a fancy way of saying that the only reason anything is awkward is because we as a people decided that if you do that specific thing, then you’re strange, different, and weird. These rules however are changing all the time….which sucks for those who build their academic careers around the study of sociology. To quote my incredibly crude and infinitely awesome Prof: “Sociology is so much more fucking difficult that something like physics. Sociology is literally changing every day….physics isn’t gonna change. You drop a rock? It’s gonna fucking fall! Every fucking time!”
So true. That’s really all I retained from multiple collegiate levels of physics anyways. But I digress….
For example…you get onto a bus with 20 seats on it. It’s empty except for 2 people. Which means you have about 14 options of where to sit. You obviously cannot sit ON the people in those two seats (hello, sexual harassment) but the unspoken rule is you can’t sit next to them either. Those two seats on either side of each person, as empty as they might look, are really taken. Taken by the spirit of the adjacent occupant. Plus, there’s the idea that if you do sit there, it will be assumed you’re one step from sexually harassing that person. Should you be awkward by nature (and some people are!)…it will be a looooong 15 minutes, full of awkward side glances, uncomfortable shifting, and possibly the unfortunate stench of body odor.
Another unspoken moray is the elevator. Try this: next time you get on an elevator, don’t do the obligatory spin around to face the front. Face the back of the elevator. You’ll be given strange looks, and possibly be asked what the hell you’re doing. But the real comic gold comes when somebody decides that you might either be on to something (or on something), and turn around with you. Then, somebody else might join suit. Pretty soon, you and your collection of deviant minions are occupying the most awkward and socially unacceptable elevator in the building. Success.
So back to my greatest life achievement: being born female. (If you are female…rejoice, and be prepared to learn about a dark and unspoken truth of maleness. If you are not female…(male or otherwise), nod wisely as you read the following paragraphs.
There are several rules to the men’s bathroom:
1) You do NOT speak while in the bathroom. Otherwise, the world will literally end.
For women, this may comes as a shock, because we’ve been trained since fetushood that restrooms are a social experience. You go with ALL your friends, and you chit chat from stall to stall, apply makeup together at the mirror, and gossip around the wind machine that dispenses bacon. But men: they don’t speak. Nothing. Not one word is uttered while the pants are down. If you do happen to bump into somebody, you simply grunt, or make some other manly noise.
2) You do NOT make eye contact with any other man in the restroom.
This is also standard for hallways, classrooms, restaurants etc. But bathrooms are most important. If you look up at the wrong moment, then there you are, locking eyes with some guy who’s swinging in the wind. The awkwardness of that situation is too much for any man to handle, and must be avoided at all costs. Which brings us to our next rule:
3) You look straight ahead while at the urinal.
This goes without question. Women, we have a wonderful advantage. We get our own little hideaway from the world to do all our business in one swift go…without worrying about prying eyes. Men have it a little less lucky, and must therefore respect the privacy of the urinal and never let your eyes wander.
4) Always skip as many urinals as possible. Always be equidistant from two adjacent urinals on either side.
The only reason men learn geometry or any math at all, is so they can figure this part of their day out. It’s imperative you do it right. If there are 5 urinals, and one person is on either end, you MUST choose the urinary exactly in the middle, with one urinal on either side. If there are six urinals and there’s one of each end taken, then you must make a decision, because the men already there will be over-analyzing your decision into who you picked to be one urinal closer to. Choose wisely. It is probably best to not urinate at all. Just leave.
That being said…if there are three urinals and the middle is the only one available, you do NOT use the urinal. You wait patiently, or use a stall. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
5) You spend exactly the right amount of time washing your hands.
Seriously?!?!? What the hell is the “right” amount of time? For men- if you don’t wash your hands at all, then you’re a sick disgusting idiot, and your girlfriend is probably going to contract a terrible disease. IF you wash your hands too long, then you look silly and stupid, and will attract many a weird look from other bathroom users and you stand there and scrub your hand with the April flowers bath soap, and the hot water streaming. And for god’s sake: if you must wash your hands like a surgeon in the bathroom, then dry quickly and go. Standing for 20 minutes under the wind machine from hell isn’t going to do anything for your rep.
6) If anything you will be doing will make an awkward noise: WAIT until the restroom is totally deserted. For however long it takes.
Girls actually have this problem too……some (my sister included) do not like having anybody hearing them pee. (Which makes absolutely no sense at all…it’s not like people are going to be confused or over-thinking the sound…(”What the fuck IS THAT?!?!”) And the old saying…”we all do it anyways”, needs to be remembered in that moment. But men, (when they’ve decided that the stalls are the desired avenue of the day) take this far more seriously. Men don’t want to hear the “Machine gun”, the “Fog Horn”, the “Plop” or the “Nerve Gas release” from their coworkers or peers. So the general rule is…..wait it out. And if you can’t help it, or something comes out unexpectedly, you wait until no one is in the bathroom to emerge from the stall. Then, you avoid using that restroom for the rest of your life.
So, for the 5 minutes that men spend in the bathroom….there’s about 50 things they have to take into account in order to avoid awkwardness. Some of us (your lovely blogger, Bethie, included) have to do everything possible during our days to minimize the number and long lasting effects of awkwardness. This task would be so much harder if we had penises.
So next time you use the bathroom…..think about your lot in life. If you are female (or happen to use the women’s restroom), then thank your lucky stars as you walk in with your friends, and enjoy your stay. If you are male (or use that restroom for whatever reason)…..good luck, avoid awkwardness, and may the force be with you. You’ll need it.
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