Oh herrow there!

I have been totally swamped these past couple weeks. But now it's (almost!) Spring Break, so I'm kicking off my free time by... using someone else's awkward story instead of writing myself. Here's a guest post from a friend who would prefer to remain anonymous... and to apply extremely, um, creative code names to everyone in her story. Enjoy!

Unlike the creator of this blog, I'm not a very awkward person. This isn't because I have godlike abilities to make anyone feel comfortable in any situation. Quite the contrary -- I've been told that I inspire unimaginable awkwardness in others. (It's a talent. But, I digress.) Point is, I usually don't register it. Time after time, I'll come out of an "awkward" conversation with someone without realizing it. You know how they say that ignorance is bliss? Well, I'm the epitome of ignorance when it comes to picking up on awkwardness. I’m either a social Neanderthal or insensitive moron -- you decide -- but I'm happy with it. Not noticing awkwardness saves me time, energy, and needless worrying. I rarely experience an interaction that is too awkward to be ignored.

Which is exactly what makes this story so memorable.

A couple of weeks ago, I was eating alone in the on-campus dining hall. Because I had decided to procrastinate on some reading that was due in my 2pm class, my nose was buried in a book as I shoveled food into my mouth. It was a disgusting sight, I'm sure, but I didn't care. That is, I didn't mind until someone interrupted my gorging/reading.

Here's more or less a blow-by-blow account of what happened --

HIM: "Hi."

ME: *CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP*

HIM: "Hey. Hi. Hello?"

ME: "Oh, *swallow,* hi."

HIM: "You're Katie. Hamburger. Katie Hamburger. I know you."

ME: "Uh... yes."

HIM: "You're Aaron Hamburger's little sister. You're also dating David Wone."

ME: "Uh... yes. Sorry, but I can't place you. Have we met somewhere?"

HIM: "Oh, no, never in person."

ME: "...."

HIM: "I mean, you know, Facebook. That's how I know you. That's how I know most people, in fact."

ME: "..."

HIM: "Man, I'm hungry." *sits down, starts eating*

ME: "Yeah. Well, hey, nice to meet ya, but I've gotta go. You know, class and stuff... and this reading... and..."

HIM: "Right. Nice meeting you, Katie Hamburger. Your brother and boyfriend are both good guys. I mean, not that I really know them in real life, but yeah. They seem like good guys on Facebook."

ME: "... yeah, thanks..."

And I walked away, too mortified to care about my half-eaten lunch.

After I recovered from the exchange, I came to a couple conclusions:

1)      Random Facebook Stalker could’ve have been hitting on me. He mentioned my boyfriend. He knew he didn’t have any chance… or did he? Was he hoping that I’d burst into tears, complain about my relationship, and decide to date him instead? Not likely, unless he had some serious issues. No, he just wanted to have a chat and didn’t know what else to say. Like many other males, I assume that he did what made sense – take what little information he knew about me and use it to start a conversation. Unfortunately, however, he didn’t pause to realize how awkward that information would sound to a stranger.

2)      Random Facebook Stalker hadn’t just glanced at my profile in passing. He studied it carefully, perhaps even looking at it every night before going to bed. How do I know this? Well, he recognized me in the middle of a crowded dining hall, even though I was looking down and away from everyone around me. I have long hair, and it hangs down over my face when I look down. Plus, it was cold that day, and I was bundled up in three layers of clothing. Between the hair and extra clothes, I wasn’t terribly recognizable. Unless he spent time sifting through pictures of me, it’s unlikely that he would’ve been able to place me.

So, to those of you (yes, you) that randomly stalk Facebook profiles and then start awkward conversations with your victims, here are a few tips:

1)      Never greet someone you’ve never met in person by announcing his/her full name. That sort of thing is only cool in James Bond movies. Everywhere else, it’s creepy. Really creepy.

2)      Never tell someone you’ve never met in person that you’ve Facebook stalked him/her. Rule of thumb: Yes, we all have done it. No, we never own up to it.

3)      Don’t start a conversation with someone you’ve never met while he/she is busy during lunch. Eating and reading is difficult enough – adding conversation to the mix just makes things downright messy.

4)      If you do want to talk to someone you know but haven’t met in person, prepare topics of conversation in advance. Or practice small talk. Or something! Rattling off names and associations and Social Security numbers can only get you so far with strangers, especially if you’re already giving off creepy vibes.

So, that was that – a conversation so awkward that I could almost feel my skin shriveling up in discomfort. But hey, aside from that lunch being the most epically awkward experience I’ve had in a while, there’s good news: I didn’t have any spinach stuck in my teeth. For that, I feel lucky.