No, you heard me right.

I have a tendency to a) say completely inappropriate things by accident b) type completely inappropriate things by accident (blame the overzealous auto-correct on my new phone) and c) mishear things and misconstrue them as completely inappropriate.

Example a). I was at a Christmas party this year. To make this story even better, I'll tell you that it was at a big house off-campus that a bunch of super cool Christian students live at. It's called Hampton House. I was chatting with a couple friends over apple cider about the movie A Bug's Life (yes, I'm in college...) We were discussing that romantic scene between the two main characters (by the way, bugs in love? Or animals in love? What? Awkward. I squirm through every scene like that in animated movie history) and I tried to say: "Their tentacles got tangled up!"

What did I say instead? "Their testicles got tangled up."

Example b).  I got a new phone over Thanksgiving. It is way over the top auto-correct happy. And furthermore, it takes completely kosher, white bread words and makes them really, really awkward words. Okay, so this is maybe partly to do with my carelessness. Here are some texts I've sent over the past few month, with my intended message in italics:

We're going over to his place to cock. We're going over to his place to cook. 

Friend: Merry Christmas Elisabeth! And wish Merry Christmas to your parents for me too!
Me: You tool. You too. 

Let's make out in your kitchen! Let's make it in your kitchen. 

It's a sexy of Judaism. It's a sect of Judaism.

This one wasn't on my phone, but instead of typing "simulate climate" on my environmental science review during finals, I typed "stimulate climax". Blame that on exhaustion and an intense desire just to be done with the semester already. Or on Freud, I guess.

Example c). I was playing a heated game of Uno with a couple friends at a game night a couple of weeks ago when I stopped to look down at my phone. I was kind of half-listening to the conversation (never a good idea because you'll always hear something really strange and out of context.) My phone is, by the way, pretty huge. It's long and wide (cue the "that's what she said" jokes, I have heard and made them all when it comes to my phone) and basically looks like a mini iPad.

I had a female friend to the left and a male friend to the right, and they - I thought - had been talking to each other over my head when all of the sudden I heard: "Oh my God, your boner is huge!"

"What did you say?" Maybe a more appropriate question would have been, what on earth is going on and why is it going on it front of me?

"I said, your phone is huge?"